On Wednesdays: We Do Spoken Word

By Asri Alhamdaputra

The truth is a penis

Today an old friend asked me “are you getting a sex change surgery?”

It wasn’t the words that hurts me. It was her reducing me to my genitals.
As if all that matters is what lies beneath your pants.
As if being a trans is reduced down to genitalia
As if gender is a box, it can only be one or the other.
I am more than my penis. I am more than my gender.
I am a man. I am a woman. I am both and neither at the same time.
The truth is I am neither a man nor a woman, yet I am everything in between.
A concept so intricate to fathom that explaining it wouldn’t shed the slightest light to the brightest of mind.

A penis is a penis is a penis.
The world revolves around the penis.
Phallic, glorified, and looked upon, everybody’s looking for the penis.
Privileged when you have a penis.
Censored yet talked about the most.
Objectified yet humanized.
A penis is a penis
But a penis is not your gender
Because having a penis doesnt make you a man
And having none doesn’t make you any less of a man

You are what you identify as
Tricky isn’t it? What does that mean?
Lemme simplify,
Basically, that means
When i say i’m a woman, just fucking respect it.
When i say i’m a man, understand it
When i say i’m neither, acknowledge it
When i say i’m both, believe it

No i don’t need you to fully agree to what i have to say
I don’t need you to advocate for me and pretend to understand my experience
What i do expect is for you to respect me regardless of my gender. Understand that i am a complex human being, just like any other, and i am more than my genitals. What i expect is for you to not ask questions such as “when’s the surgery?”

You wanna know the truth? Here’s the truth. The truth is i am hurting. I am sick and tired of constantly needing to reassure myself that what i’m feeling is valid. The truth is i’m sick of hiding and pretending to be someone i’m not. The truth is i’m tired of conforming to your standards and binaries. The truth is what you think of me doesn’t define me, and i’m tired of having to explain myself to change YOUR perception towards me. As if that matters the world to me, as if your lack of understanding of the concept of gender is my liability.

Must be so nice isn’t it? To have people understand what you are. Who you are. Must be nice to have people around you that look like you, talk like you, and think like you. Must be nice to be have your identity understood, received, and unquestioned.

The truth is everyone’s hurting, and i’m sure you are too.
We’re not so different you and I.
And the presence or lack of a penis doesnt make it any different.

I value you. I validate you. I acknowledge you. And i support you.

But why can’t you do the same for me?

I’m not asking for much here.
Just a little respect and understanding.

Can we start over?

A penis is a penis is a penis.
It seems like it’s everything.
Truth is, a penis has nothing to do with anything.